Death of an Devil

He’s dead.

Those were the two words that I muttered. Great memories were had, but truth to be told it was a painful struggle to maintain our coexistence. One of us had to go.

And I was not prepared to draw lots.

I did what I had to do. Don’t give me that look, you would have done it too if you were in my position. You know you would. After all these time, it’s only natural for self preservation to kick in. Kill or be killed, is that not the case? Yes, yes of course it is.

For more than two years, he came and changed everything. He took over, played a perfect double and fooled them all. All, at least, but me. I saw through his disguise. I was the one struggling with him, forcing him to come clean. But he wouldn’t. Of course he wouldn’t, that was his entire existence; a gigantic bluff.

So I had to stop him. I was the good guy, don’t you understand! I waiting till he started to lay dormant, and then I destroyed him. I tore him up, ripped him apart. I hoped no one noticed. I thought I could start anew, leave the past behind you know? But that was not the case. The past always catches up to you. So one day, when I finally let my guard down, it hit me. Only then did i realize: I was naive.

 

After all, that man I killed? Yea, that was me.

 

Starting Up That Good ol’ Engine

So I’ve not been writing that much lately. And I sure as hell am feeling the difficulty in writing anything coherent now.

Not that I’m saying this is coherent. Nuh-uh. I’m just rambling over here, trying to fill up the page with words and hoping to get rid of my boredom.

Man, I really am out of practice.

Perhaps I should start churning out something now and get that ol’ engine up there started. Maybe I can discover some of the lost love for writing I used to have.

Ah yea, perhaps that’s what I’ll do…

On Happiness

What is happiness? Is it what you’ll achieve with peace of heart? Or is it contentment? Or fulfillment? Companionship?

Or is it simply the lack of sadness?

One man’s trash is another man’s treasure. One man’s joy is another man’s sorrow. That is just the way the world works. Simply put, even if you and I are in the same conditions, I can be happy, but you sad. No, don’t let them fool you — this is not perception, this is unfairness.

The world is unfair. Life itself is unfair. How do you find joy in an unfair world then? Spiritual contentment? Enlightenment? Some summarize their key in one line: be content with what you have.

“Well then,” I say, “what if you have nothing to be content about?”

“Pessimism!” I hear you yell.

But isn’t the pessimist’s approach to life a far more realistic one? Never assume things will go your way; that way if something is successful, it’s a gift. You are never disappointed, because to be disappointed you need to have expectations. And pessimists don’t have expectations.

Oh wait, that is it you say? A life without expectations is a life full of sadness?

So, a life without expectations will result in sadness. A life with expectations will too result in sadness. What then is this thing you call happiness?

Tell me, I really want to know.

And if you manage to find it, do you mind showing it to me? I want to see what it looks like.

I Am Being Stalked

Wednesday, 10 August, 2011.

These few days have been bad.

Real bad.

Five times already I have sensed someone watching me when I had my back turned around. Twice I heard some footsteps shadowing mine. I feel someone’s following me. Watching me. Silently.

There it is! Again! No.. no… That’s just a bird. Or some other animal… I hope…

I got to keep moving. Otherwise I’m just a sitting duck staying here. I need to do something. Anything. Fast.

Wish me safety, my friends…

Confused. I Am Confused.

To find a goal in life. After writing an entire essay filled with conviction about the motivations of life, I suddenly realized that I’m not sure what my life goal is. Or, for that matter, what it should be.

Oh the irony.

To help others? To return something back to society? Is that what I should be doing?

Or do I just need to seek enjoyment? Find something I like to do and keep at it?

Or is it a mixture of both?

Confused. I am confused.